


no place in heaven (for someone like me)

by himbodad



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Christianity, Fitzroy character study, M/M, Nonbinary Master Firbolg, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Trans Male Character, Trans Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, my doc title for this was hey oh! religious trauma, not proofread we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26226538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himbodad/pseuds/himbodad
Summary: The page is quickly stained with Fitzroy’s tears. He hurls it across the room, ignoring the fact that it's the middle of the night and his parents are likely to care about the noise. He throws himself to the ground, punching the carpet with unholy fists. The Fallen boy turns his head to the heavens and sobs out a cry for salvation.
Relationships: Argo Keene/Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt
Comments: 11
Kudos: 62





	no place in heaven (for someone like me)

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone and welcome to Magnus Has Religious Trauma: The Game Show
> 
> Trigger Warnings: i mean, the entire thing focuses on religion and the ways that it gives Fitzroy lifelong issues, so if that's something that is a sensitive topic for you please don't read! other than that i think we're good :)
> 
> Title comes from No Place In Heaven by Mika <3

AGE 7  
Fitzroy isn’t Fitzroy yet, at this point in his life. He’s a different person, a different name. His hair is an uncomfortable mix of straight and wavy that makes it nearly unmanageable. This isn’t his issue. His issue is that said hair reaches halfway down his back. 

There shouldn’t be an issue with that. Every other little girl at his school, his church, is perfectly content with their hair. They spend breaks brushing it, braiding it, bragging about how soft it is. Fitzroy wants nothing more than to take the dull scissors they use for arts and crafts to his own hair. But women aren’t allowed to have short hair, as far as he knows at this point in his life. He’ll just have to put up with it for the rest of his mortal existence. 

Every other girl at his church enjoys being a girl. They wear pretty dresses to Sunday service and bows in their hair. Fitzroy enjoys the way he dresses until he gets around them. There’s always a twinge of derision in their eyes when they see his fraying jeans, tank top, and the flip flops he’s discarded in favor of running across the cool tile floor. 

There’s limited space in the church for the children’s areas. The boys get a large room all to themselves, with plenty of space to run around. They run into walls and laugh it off, even when it's the flimsy, collapsable wall between theirs and the girls room. How are the girls supposed to learn in a room like that, cramped into a quarter of the space their male counterparts get, with the thumping of prepubescent boys slamming into the walls interrupting their every sentence? “Boys will be boys! They need the chance to run around. You young ladies, now _you _can sit still for an hour.” Quiet, resigned. Taking up as little space as possible. Fitzroy freezes every week. They have the air conditioning blasting, so that the little boys on the other side of the wall are able to cool down while they run rampant. The girls are left to shiver in their thin dresses and blouses until they can finally escape to the blaring heat of the outside world.__

__Most of the children he sees every Sunday are homeschooled. Their moms all went off to school and dropped out to have children, to educate their young. Dendra Maplecourt is not one of these women. She’s far too invested in her job teaching at a local school to ever consider it, and Fitzroy wouldn’t want her too. But not being homeschooled means that he’s the odd one out yet again. There’s always some birthday or get together that he missed because he has to be at school all day and they don’t. Not to mention that all of the homeschooling moms have a habit of spending their days together, leading to even closer friendships between their children and even more of a divide between them and Fitzroy._ _

__Fitzroy knows one girl at his school. Her name’s Irene, her dad works at the local grocery store, and she has bright blonde hair. She just walked up to him one day and asked if he was a Christian. He said yes, and she said that they were friends now. (Years later, he would hear that she went home that day and told her parents that she had a new Christian friend, that they were so proud of her for doing so, and feel an untraceable sense of guilt)._ _

__He doesn’t understand what he feels. He’s never understood what he feels. All that he understands is his books. The ones his mother and father had bought for him as he grew up, the ones with bending spines from the amount of times he’s read them. The girls at his church bring their Bibles with them in their bags. He brings copies of Aesop’s Fables or Little Women._ _

__When Fitzroy lies to his parents, they punish him. Not with violence and not with taking away his dessert. His father condemns him to three days without books, three days where he no longer has an escape from his life. He’s only allowed to read the Bible or any novels for school. Even then, Fitzroy can’t bring himself to read it. There’s something that stops him when he reaches for the book and opens to Genesis, something that burns and aches and brings tears to his eyes with no reason why._ _

__AGE 9  
His mother has to drag him kicking and screaming to pick up the dress for the annual Christmas service. The whole time he has to wear it, Fitzroy tugs uncomfortably at the bow tied around his waist, as though that’ll do anything about the overwhelming emotions he’s experiencing. His father has never looked more proud of him. Fitzroy doesn’t know why, but this pride feels like a stab through the heart._ _

__A few months later is his baptism. He tells the pastor that he’s dedicating his life to Christ because of an experience he had, one where he’d lost a bracelet and prayed about it before finding the bracelet the next morning. The truth is that Fitzroy doesn’t know why he’s dedicating his life to Christ. His parents aren’t pressuring him into it, at least not directly. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone else he knows is doing it. He gets the false impression that maybe he’d fit in now. Or maybe it’s just the fact that he felt he needed to. Fitzroy in that moment was not dedicating his life out of desire but out of the feeling of necessity that pervaded his mind._ _

__There must have been a time Before, Fitzroy thinks. A time when he still fit in with these girls, with this organization that his parents insist he should love but that feels hollow to him. He has more admiration for the feeling he gets when he runs like lightning down the long, expansive hallways during service, alone and at peace, than he does for the lessons he’s receiving._ _

__There must have been a time when he was normal. Normal like Naomi McClane, who side eyes him when he walks into the room and exchanges a knowing look with her friends when Fitzroy stumbles over a Bible verse. As if it’s his fault that he attends a school that doesn’t teach the Bible as part of the curriculum._ _

__When his father bought Fitzroy a small, purple Bible for his baptism, the boy had taken it with him everywhere. He never read it, just enjoyed the weight of the tome in his hands. When he’d flipped through it once, in one of his more curious moments, he’d landed on the tale of Jezebel’s demise, being devoured by rabid dogs. Fitzroy steered clear of his Bible after that._ _

__His classmates at Wiggenstaff Elementary are different from the kids at church. The girls still wear hair bows, but they also play pretend at recess and don’t recite Bible verses in the middle of conversations. But Fitzroy doesn’t fit in with the girls at his school. Part of it is that unnamed feeling, the one that begs him to chop off his hair and play with the boys. Mostly, it’s just that Fitzroy has nowhere in the world that he belongs. He doesn’t have friends. Not at church and not at school. He just reads his books in the shade of a tree or trashcan and tries his best to ignore the crippling loneliness that’s seeping into his very soul._ _

__They sing songs from radio stations he’s never listened to. His father plays music on the ride to school that talks about the Lord and his Creations. No one seems to have heard of those songs at Wiggenstaffs. Fitzroy doesn’t particularly like the music his family plays, but he also doesn't have a choice. They bring him an odd sense of nostalgia as he grows older, a remnant of a time before he started learning about himself. Things were easier when he thought someone else was in control of his life._ _

__He’s in fourth grade now. He convinces himself that he has a crush on a boy in his class, a lanky kid named Elijah with a goofy face who’s double jointed at his ankles. At first, Fitzroy hates him. Then he decides that Elijah is the perfect person to have a crush on. He’s new to the school, and thus he doesn’t know enough about Fitzroy to be turned away like everyone else. (Fitzroy's heard a few of the local boys planning on asking him out as a cruel joke. He didn’t know how to feel about that)._ _

__One day, Elijah gives him a bracelet. It jangles when Fitzroy moves, and it just appears in his lunchbox out of nowhere. He accepts it gratefully, though he doesn’t know why. Elijah explains that he recruited one of Fitzroy’s few friends in the school to sneak the bracelet into his lunch. He was scared to hand it over himself. That doesn’t matter that much to Fitzroy. He pretends it does._ _

__Fitzroy ignores the feelings that he doesn’t understand. He tries not to think about what it may mean that he stares at the new girl in his class more than he ever does Elijah. He just wants to be friends with the girl, he reasons. Fitzroy takes to mimicking her every action in the hopes that she’ll find herself drawn to him. Why he wants her to spend time with him, he doesn’t know._ _

__When Elijah moves away, Fitzroy cries for weeks- months, even. He doesn’t know why. He wasn’t that attached to the boy, all things considered. But he feels like he needs to. He decides on a breakup song to be his anthem for the coming months of pain. Honestly, he doesn’t want to. But Fitzroy knows that he’s meant to be broken by this loss. He’s read enough books to understand that. He tries to be broken. It doesn’t work. The tears he cries are as hollow as his feelings were._ _

__AGE 11  
The time comes where he’s old enough to join the youth group at his church. His parents wave goodbye as he walks up to the Olsen’s house, book bag drawn across his shoulder and an unmistakable fear in his bones. _ _

__He’s surprised to find that he feels less isolated in this group. There’s both boys and girls here, which gives him a pleasant feeling that he has no way of expressing. Kaitlyn and Kane Olsen, the married couple who run the group, have a boatload of snacks set out on their counter and a blender for making shakes. Fitzroy gorges himself on sweets and salty potato chips and tries his best to ignore everyone else there._ _

__There’s a trampoline in the backyard. Before the lessons start, Fitzroy goes and jumps on it silently, nodding along to the questions of the older kids. He’s smaller than they are, small even for his age. When they catapult him into the air, he soars. It’s freeing in a way he’s never known._ _

__They sit down in front of the TV in the living room and have a discussion about the Lord. Fitzroy sinks deeper and deeper into the plush couch and pretends that he’s invisible. His milkshake tastes off. He gets the feeling that he’s supposed to be more invested in the lesson than he is, that he should be asking questions or volunteering to help lead prayers. He doesn’t. He can’t remember the last time he prayed for something other than himself. Not for his well being, but for his salvation. Fitzroy is terrified of the idea of eternity. He doesn’t know if he’s been good enough for Heaven, but he knows he doesn’t want to go to Hell._ _

__Fitzroy is convinced that he has a crush on one of the older boys at his church. The boy’s name is Owen, and he has red hair. Both Fitzroy and Owen attend public schools, albeit in different areas. They bond over their shared love of music and that unspeakable divide between them and the rest of the church._ _

__Liking Owen would make him normal. That’s what he thinks, anyways. Everyone in the youth group has a crush on one of the other attendees. It’s only his second day in the group when Amanda Marin tells him that she’s interested in Caden Lawson. Fitzroy forces himself to choose that very day who he’ll be interested in. Owen is the choice he settles on._ _

__The two of them go out to the trampoline after each week’s lessons, bouncing for a while before they lay on their backs, staring up at the stars. Fitzroy learns so much about Owen in these moments. Owen doesn’t learn about him in return. Something stops Fitzroy from divulging anything personal. He stares up into the infinite universe and realizes he’s never felt more small._ _

__The church hosts a movie night for the kids and teens in the Olsen’s backyard. Fitzroy sits in the back of their pickup truck with Owen and a few of the younger kids they’ve been tasked with watching. When the parents come to pick everyone up at the end of the night, Fitzroy and Owen are the only ones in the truck, sitting a good four feet apart and under separate blankets._ _

__The next Sunday, Jerry Maplecourt is told that he needs to keep better watch on his daughter. Fitzroy feels an intense shame when his father tells him that if he’s going to keep spending time with Owen, the two of them need to be aware that the church is always watching. Fitzroy never forgets that._ _

__AGE 13  
And then one day, it crosses Fitzroy’s mind the odd feelings he has for women. He’s always been different, that much is evident. But he hadn’t thought that he’d be one of Them, as the adults he knew always said. Those people? They’re dirty, They’re unacceptable. Worst of all, They are going to Hell._ _

__Fitzroy gathers up the courage to ask his father one day his opinions on gay people- on Them. His mother has never been quite as religious as his father, and thus he fears Jerry’s opinion more._ _

__“You know, I’m a bit more accepting than most of the people at our church are. We need to hate the sin and love the sinner! I can’t do anything to change their ways, can I? There’s no sense in fussing over it.” Fitzroy releases a sigh he’s been holding in for the entirety of their conversation. “That being said, they are going to Hell. There’s no denying that.”_ _

__He makes it halfway down the hall before bursting into tears. Fitzroy feels like an idiot. Why would he ever think that this would be okay? That there’d be no consequences, no repercussions for him being one of Them? If the people at his church were scandalized by him sitting in a car with a boy, he can only imagine how they’d feel if he brought a girl with him to service._ _

__That night, when he’s nestled up in his bed, Fitzroy spends hours staring at the ceiling. He knows that he can’t deny his feelings for both men and women. He also knows that there’s no way he can tell anyone. The people at his church would cast him aside without a moment’s hesitation. His few friends at school have shown their distrust of the gay community time and again. The one girl who’d come out to Fitzroy had later been forcefully outed to the entire class. He didn’t want something similar to happen to him, let alone try to think about the results if that knowledge was somehow passed on to his parents._ _

__The tears that stream down his face aren’t even ones of sadness. He’s scared, yes, but not sad. This is what he’s committed himself to. This is what happens when you’re one of Them. Your life is a series of sins until you make it to Hell and spend eternity atoning for your crimes._ _

__With shaky hands, Fitzroy digs around in his dresser drawer, searching for his comforting sweater that has always helped him through. In doing so, he finds his small Bible, the one that he’d been given for his baptism. The Bible he’d hidden out of the shame of not being willing enough to understand it, being too wrapped up in the rest of the world and not dedicated enough to the Lord._ _

__He slips the sweater over his head and takes a seat on his bed, flipping the Bible open to a random page. He lands on Leviticus 20:13. _"If a man lies with a man as one lies with woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads" _.___ _

____The page is quickly stained with Fitzroy’s tears. He hurls it across the room, ignoring the fact that it's the middle of the night and his parents are likely to care about the noise. He throws himself to the ground, punching the carpet with unholy fists. The Fallen boy turns his head to the heavens and sobs out a cry for salvation._ _ _ _

____AGE 15  
His freshman year of high school is a shocking time. Fitzroy’s confident enough in his sexuality as a bisexual person, that much is unquestionable. This means many things, but mostly it translates to Fitzroy suffering his way through weekly church services surrounded by people who likely don’t appreciate the existence of the community that he’s a part of. _ _ _ _

____He also begins to question his gender. Even more of a sin against God, if you were to ask any of the other church attendees. Fitzroy’s forced to sit through sermon after sermon on the importance of living a godly life, and for the first time, he tried to accept the fact that he would never lead a godly life in the way Pastor Ray intended. It’s difficult. After a lifetime of being told that living for God is the only way of living, Fitzroy finds himself struggling to distance himself from those ideas._ _ _ _

____Fitzroy believes in God. At least, he thinks he does. He doesn’t Believe in the way that his parents do. He believes that there’s a God, ruling over the universe. He just doesn’t believe that this God, this all knowing creator, would hold hatred in His heart for the people he designed. God knows the plans He has for His children. Why would He cast them out of His eternal life for something they can’t change?_ _ _ _

____Or maybe Fitzroy only believes in Him because he’s scared. He’s always been scared of going to Hell, what if his reverence for the Lord is only in response to this? He doesn’t know the answer to that question. He doesn’t know if he ever will._ _ _ _

____Fitzroy keeps attending the youth group. He doesn’t want to. There’s nothing left to keep him here, not really. Owen was the only person he’d connected with, and the two of them steered clear of each other after the truck incident._ _ _ _

____One fine Sunday morning, Fitzroy ends up seated in a folding chair with a maple donut resting upon a napkin in his lap. The Olsen’s roll out a TV in front of the group of teens, and he perks up. A TV usually means that they’ll waste away a good portion of service watching one of those Bible explanation videos with the puppets. Fitzroy isn’t the biggest fan, but it’s better than listening to them drone on and on._ _ _ _

____Instead, they watch the beginning of a children’s movie. The message seems to be staying true to yourself and not letting the world get in the way of your dreams. Fitzroy doesn’t see any issue with it. Judging by the expression on his leader’s faces, there is._ _ _ _

____“This movie tells little boys that if they want to be a girl, that’s okay. It’s not! It also tells little girls they can be boys. That’s not okay. We need to make sure that the younger generations understand that this is not right! Most of you have younger siblings just next door- do you want them to hear this message and think that this is an acceptable way to live your life?”_ _ _ _

____Fitzroy doesn’t talk to his parents about how service went on the ride home that day. He sits silently, temple pressed up against the warm windows as he wills away his tears._ _ _ _

____AGE 17  
There’s a new pastor at church. The previous one, Pastor Ray, has been in charge for as long as Fitzroy can remember. The new pastor’s name is Mark, and he’s a straight, white, middle aged bald man with three kids and a wife with straight brown hair. He’s the model of Christianity. _ _ _ _

____Fitzroy isn’t. On the outside, maybe. As far as his parents and fellow churchgoers know, he’s a perfectly normal teen girl. They call him by a name he hasn’t called his own for years._ _ _ _

____The new pastor tells jokes in his sermons. Fitzroy doesn’t find them funny. Mark takes over leading the youth group and any semblance of desire to be a part of that particular organization is gone from Fitzroy’s mind. When the political beliefs begin seeping their way into sermons, Fitzroy is unsurprised. Still, there’s an ache in his chest. The man’s beliefs would see Fitzroy dead if enacted. To see the entire church agree with him? To get the confirmation he hadn’t truly needed, deep down inside, that they would never accept him, no matter how much love they’d held for him before? That’s more than he can bear._ _ _ _

____Mark’s wife, Jill, is obsessed with him. Not literally, of course. But Fitzroy’s the challenge she’s been looking for. Jill texts him at least once a week, whether it be to check up on him or see if he’s coming to the youth group event they’re holding. Ninety percent of the time, Fitzroy doesn’t respond, using his schooling as an excuse. Granted, Jill does have a habit of messaging him in the middle of math, which helps him to feel less guilty._ _ _ _

____One time, she tells him that he can bring his boyfriend to service. He jokes to his friends that he can’t believe Jill Sparrow knows about his relationship before he does. (Deep down inside, he wishes that there was a boyfriend to bring. But no boys since Elijah in fourth grade have shown any interest in him, and dating would mean revealing his identity to his partner or dealing with the dysphoria alone)._ _ _ _

____Fitzroy spends most of his time at home, ignoring the many Bibles and paintings of Jesus as he heads down the hall and towards his room. He plans for the future. Every dollar he gets is saved up for college. He’s hoping to get a decent enough scholarship and get into H. W. University, a cheap college that’s all the way across the country from his parents and his church. The second he can, he’s escaping this world that would disown him if the truth was known._ _ _ _

____He’s going to find his people in college, damnit. Fitzroy Maplecourt’s going to make it out of his hometown and he’s going to see the world in all of its glory- whether it’s the world his parents envisioned for him or not._ _ _ _

____AGE 19  
Fitzroy goes off to college, eager for the opportunity to express himself. He got into H. W. University, as he’d hoped, and so in early September he finds himself on a cross country flight for the first time in his life. He’s alone. And he’s never felt better._ _ _ _

____His dorm is located only five minutes from the library, and the school itself is fifteen minutes from the nearest LGBT center. Fitzroy has a whole agenda set up for his first visit there. Namely, getting some of the complementary pronoun pins on his way to check out their resources on where the best place to purchase a chest binder is._ _ _ _

____Fitzroy’s room has two beds in it. The room is connected to a small bathroom, and on the other side of that is another room with two beds. So technically, his roommate is Argonaut Keene, a boy of Saudi Arabian descent with a twinkle in his eye and dyed blue hair. If his parents were here, they’d call him goth. Fitzroy calls him mind blowingly attractive._ _ _ _

____In the adjoining room is Buckminster Eden, a future Economics major with a boyfriend Fitzroy’s fairly certain is made up, and a kid who refuses to be known by anything other than the nickname Firbolg. Firbolg towers over the other three, and his long, tangled hair is always draped over his face in a way that disguises all of his features. Fitzroy doesn’t even know what color his eyes are._ _ _ _

____Since his parents hadn’t been a part of the college application process whatsoever, he was able to explain his gender and sexuality to the university, and they’d placed him in the boys dorms as such. He’d had to explain to his roommates, of course. While he passes often, he doesn’t pass so well that people who see him all the time wouldn’t notice._ _ _ _

____They’d been fine with it, both his gender and sexuality. Firbolg even gives him money to buy his first binder. Granted, he hands over five dollars, but Fitzroy’s grateful nonetheless._ _ _ _

____It probably helps that he’s been placed in a dorm with other people like him. Buckminster’s gay, Argo’s bisexual, and Firbolg’s nonbinary and bisexual. Throwing a trans guy in the mix doesn’t feel that strange to any of them._ _ _ _

____There’s a church on campus. Fitzroy doesn’t go to it. He feels guilty every time he passes by it, like he’s damning himself. The prayers that he repeats under his breath fervently as he walks away do nothing to assuage his fears._ _ _ _

____Fitzroy enrolls in a course that tackles the relationship between organized religion and marginalized communities. The professor’s a devout Christian and she has a very positive outlook on the religion. She’s not homophobic or anything. In fact, she’s probably Fitzroy’s favorite professor. He drops the class. He just can’t bear to face the organization that’s troubled him and made him feel isolated, unloveable, unwanted, for so long._ _ _ _

____He’s finishing up his first semester when it happens. Fitzroy doesn’t know how, but his parents find out. His father sends a simple message to him. Most of it is exactly what Fitzroy expected. The last sentence is what breaks his fragile heart. _Maybe stay at school for winter break.__ _ _ _

______Fitzroy breaks down. He locks himself in the bathroom and cries until his entire body is shaking. He claws at his arms without thinking, leaving scratch marks from his elbows to the backs of his hands. In a movement not taken out of will but out of fear, Fitzroy falls to his knees and brings his hands to his face in prayer. The tears stream down his face and land on his raised arms._ _ _ _ _ _

______When he exits the bathroom nearly an hour later, having confidence in the knowledge that all of his roommates are in class, he sees Argo._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Damnit.” Fitzroy whispers, his voice weak. “I thought you were supposed to be in Arabic right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I was worried about ya, Fitz! You ran off, and I got concerned.” He pauses. “Was- was it somethin’ one of your professors said? I’ve heard rumors about Paulson being a jerk, did he-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s my father. It would appear… it would appear I’m not welcomed in my home any time soon. My parents know about my identity, and as expected, they have not taken it well.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Argo doesn’t say a word. He pulls Fitzroy into his arms, squeezing him tightly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Listen, why don’t ya sit down on the couch? I’ll be back in just a minute, alright? And then we can talk about this. And don’t give me some bullshit about not needing to talk. It’ll help.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Fitzroy obeys, hands clutching the sides of his stomach as though it will somehow give him the strength he needs to breathe. His head tilts downwards, eyes closed and lips pursed as he mutters a frantic cry for deliverance._ _ _ _ _ _

______He doesn’t notice that Argo’s returned until he feels a steadying grasp on his shoulder. Argo pokes him gently, gesturing for Fitzroy to lift his arms. When he does, the blue haired boy slips a sweater over Fitzroy’s head. It’s soft and warm, as if it had only now been removed from the dryer. The sweater smells like Argo, like the salty air of the sea and the melted wax of the rosemary candle that sits on his desk._ _ _ _ _ _

______Fitzroy graciously accepts the mug full of steaming hot Earl Grey tea that Argo offers him, snuggling deeper into the sweater. He realizes that he's unable to scrape at his arms anymore. Judging by the look on Argo's face, this was certainly part of his intentions when lending Fitzroy his clothing._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Listen, Fitzroy. I know it's not what ya wanna hear right now, and trust me- I get it! I've been in your shoes before. But you need ta know that there's people on your side. Maybe your parents aren't those people. Or maybe they are, and they just need some time. Regardless, I want ya to know that me, Rhodes, Firbolg, Rainer, all of us? We're your family, Fitzroy. And we'll be here for you in any way that you'll let us. Because we care about you. _I _care about you."___ _ _ _ _ _

________"My parents are never going to get over this, Argo!" Fitzroy says, his voice raising in pitch and volume. "You don't understand, and that's perfectly acceptable."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Why do I not understand? 'Cause if you're saying I've never had a bad coming out experience then you're fuckin' wrong."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"That's not what I'm saying! What I'm saying is that your mom, from what I've heard, loved you unconditionally. She never got to know you as a bisexual man, but I'm sure she would've been proud of you nonetheless. My parents' love is conditional! Do you want to know the first time my father told me that I'd go to hell for being gay? I was thirteen, Argo. Thirteen years old. Sure, maybe his opinions would change if he had known it was the eternal fate of his own child he was discussing. But I doubt it. Tell me, Argo, when was the last time you went to church?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Argo pauses. He takes a sip of his own tea and scoots back on the couch, sitting cross legged and facing Fitzroy while leaning up against a throw pillow. "Eh... that's a really interesting question. My mom was never one for religion, and I certainly wasn't gonna go on my own. I was probably- jeez, probably ten or so?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"I have attended church nearly every Sunday from the time I was two to the time I left for college." Argo lets out a shocked laugh. "I have never known a world in which I thought that I was free. My life has always been dedicated to the Lord, even when I don't want it to be. I don't- I don't know anything. I truly don't. I can't even count the ways that these experiences, this life I've been forced to lead, have screwed me up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"When do you think it was, Argo, that I first became aware of the concept of that big man in the sky who would dictate the course of my eternal life? I'd guess that the first time it really connected in my brain was when I was four or five. That would've been when I started having Biblical arts and crafts every Sunday, when the songs that had been sung to me from the time I was born finally found their rightful place in my mind. Trust in the Lord with all your might, and lean not on your own understanding. That's a slightly changed version of a Bible verse that I've been singing along to since I was in elementary school. I've had a lifetime of being accepted enough in the church to become connected to these people and a lifetime of being an outcast among them for things about myself I cannot change, no matter how hard I try."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Argo thinks about what to say. He comes up with nothing. What _can _you say? What can you say to a person who’s been forcibly outed to their parents and is having a lifetime of religious trauma reappear all at once?___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I don’t have any advice for ya.” Fitzroy scoffs at this. “What, it’s true! I’m not gonna try to tell ya what to feel. I’ve never been in your shoes, Fitzroy, and I’ve never had to go through something like this. So now's your time to give me- your loveable, roguish CCO- some pointers. I’m here if you wanna talk. I’m here if you need a hug. I’m here if you need a punching bag, get some of that unresolved anger out. I’m just here for ya, Fitz, and that’s all that needs to matter.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He leans over and wipes away the tears that Fitzroy’s cheeks have accumulated during their discussion. Argo leaves his hand there, cupping his friend’s face and gently rubbing his thumb back and forth. Fitzroy’s face is hot, glasses fogging up and eyes still welling with melancholy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Argo removes Fitzroy’s glasses and places them on the coffee table with a practiced ease. He takes both his and Fitzroy’s mugs and sets them on coasters before enveloping his friend once more in a hug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s all too much for me.” Fitzroy whispers into his ear. “I- there’s so much pent up inside of me and I fear the day that it all comes out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That’s okay. I’ll be right by your side when it does, okay? Even if you don’t think you’re strong enough on your own, which I know for a fact you are, I’ll be there to help ya through.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Fitzroy lets out a whimper, holding back the unconscious urge to try his damndest to go through it all alone. Trust in the Lord. Lean not on your own understanding. He lets go of those thoughts and lets himself be present in Argo’s arms. “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Argo is all of these things and more. Fitzroy doesn’t deserve him, no matter how much Argo may protest against that belief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why don’t we go see what Rainer’s up to? She’s, uh, a real happy person to be around. Maybe she’ll help out-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He actually means that Rainer’s expressed many times the issues she’s sustained from growing up in the Catholic faith. Argo just doesn’t want to scare Fitzroy off at the thought of having a deep conversation about his religious background any time soon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Fitzroy knows this. He cuts Argo off with a kiss, gentle and warm and twinged with a hint of bitter tea. Together they make quite an odd couple, Argo clad in his punk attire and Fitzroy wearing a tear stained sweater and an outrageous grin. He wouldn’t have it any other way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ve never done that before.” Fitzroy murmurs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Seriously? Shit, Fitzroy, I wouldn’t have guessed! No, seriously, I wouldn’t have. You’re a damn good kisser, bud.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Please don’t call me bud right now.” Fitzroy groans, wiping his mouth. “We’ve been locking lips, I think we’re past the ‘bud’ stage.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll stop calling you bud if you stop calling kissing ‘lip locking’... honey.” Argo gives an over exaggerated wink that’s wholly not necessary. Fitzroy’s already blushing, quite taken with the idea of being Argo’s ‘honey’._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Argo takes Fitzroy back into his arms, until the smaller boy’s head is resting on his chest. He turns on the TV and flips through the channels until he lands on one that’s playing a rerun of Community._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Fitzroy ignores all of the thoughts in his head and lets himself be in the moment. Here, with a warm cup of tea in his hands, a cozy sweater wrapped around him, and the boy of his dreams cuddled up behind him. Here, for the first time in his life, Fitzroy feels at home. The closest to Heaven than he’s ever been is in Argonaut Keene’s arms. For once, he’s free from the constraints of his mind. His life is beginning anew, and he’s blissfully free._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> i don't think any of my italics worked :( curse you ao3's italics thing!! i can never get it right!


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